Maybe I'm just trying to blame it on something else to make me less guilty. I feel like crap for what I did, and yet, I'm too ashamed to admit it.

I did make some changes today. There was one guy I have still been chatting with. He lives a few hours away. We were planning to meet up again in April.

I just 'broke up' with him over email this morning.

I deleted all my online profiles. Changed all my passwords, and for the new passwords I just closed my eyes and typed...so I have no idea what they are. I would have to get new logins to do it again. I even deleted Yahoo messenger from my hard drive. Both home and work. (Yes, that's right, I chat at work).

I hope I can stop this. I'm the kind of person I would hate. I watch those TV movies about a cheating husband and automatically think he's a bad person. Yet I'm that person. I'm the cheater. And it's not even some long steamy love affair with someone I care about - it's strangers off the internet that I barely even know, and will likely never see again.

Why do I do it?? Why?

I could lose everything. I chat at work. If they find out what I write, I could lose my job, my marriage, my family, my kid, all my money, all at once. Not to mention the embarrassment. Our next-door-neighbor / landlord is the computer guy for my office. He would be the one to find anything. Yes, I do try to cover my tracks, but I know there could still be evidence.

Why would I risk everything I have? My life finally got good, why am I ruining it all?

I lost 40 pounds last summer - 70 total since having my baby (she's 2-1/2 years old now). I was doing so great. Got a new job. Moved to a new state. Sold our old condo for good money - paid off every penny of debt, and paid cash for a new car. We have no more money stress. My husband is working the same shifts as me - we did opposite shifts before to save on daycare, but now he's back to days. We are home together at night. My life should be so much better, I have everything I wanted.

But I'm still not happy. My marriage still stinks. Even with the weight loss and the better hours, he still would rather stay up late watching MASH reruns than go to bed with me - even just to cuddle. We haven't been on a 'date' in years, and he has no desire to. Yet he still plans out our future with the house on the corner and the picket fence, the 2.5 children and a dog, family road trips to the coast and vacations to Disneyland. I just get so confused sometimes.

Something snapped, and I don't know why. I have this great new job, but I'm going to mess it all up. I slack off, spend time online, and don't get a good job done.

Somewhere around September I fell off the weight-loss wagon. And as of this morning - I have gained back 20 of the pounds that I lost. Yikes. I was 169 on Labor Day, now I'm 189. I have been binging....a LOT. I even ate an entire pizza and pint of ice cream last night - while watching some TV show on TLC about emotional eating. Talk about ironic!

January was when I started going online again. Met one guy the last weekend in January. Met another one just after our 3 year wedding anniversary - which he did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for. But why should I be upset - I'm CHEATING on him for gosh sakes!! Yet I'm still upset that he didn't care enough to get me ANYTHING for Valentine's Day OR our Anniversary. He did ABSOLUTELY.NOTHING for both days. So yes, that hurts. But cheating???!!! That is not okay. No way.

He knows about when I cheated 2 years ago. That little cheating 'episode' could possibly be blamed on postpartum hormones and incorrect medications (it happened a few weeks after I first started on anti-depressants....turns out I might be Bipolar).

He doesn't know about these recent things. And this recent stuff I can't blame on meds or anything - it's all me

Maybe I should tell him, I don't know. I'm scared. On one hand, I think I would like to be "free" and just end the marriage and be over with it.

But then part of me does want that house on the corner with the 2.5 kids and the picket fence and the dog and all that. I want that. I really do. With him? I don't know for sure. But that's the life I want....so why the hell do I keep f*ckign it all up????

Any time my life gets good, I mess it up.

No one to blame but myself. No one makes me cheat. No one makes me eat. No one stops me from exercising. I'm the one who got fat. I'm the one who cheated. I'm the one ruining my career. It's all me, no one else's fault.

So why the hell do I keep living like this??? Why can't I just STOP?