Hello, I am a young woman who has had some trouble with emotions for a long time. For example, when I'm supposed to be angry, my body reacts to it and I might start shouting, my face gets red, etc, but I don't feel anything at that moment. My brain feels empty when I'm supposed to feel happy. I might be laughing and smiling, but there's no single emotion I feel. It's pretty hard to explain. I react like a normal person would but its... Confusing. I'm not trying to fake my emotions usually.

I sometimes can't explain my own feelings because of this and can't understand other's. Of course if someone is laughing or smiling, I know they are happy. But if someone keeps a straight face when talking about something considered "sad" I might react inappropriately. I can't understand sarcasm and most of my friends get frustrated because I take everything "too seriously".

I don't feel anything about myself. I don't hate nor like myself. Only thing I feel is "empty". I don't care about hobbies, job, school, etc, but I do some of those things just because I can and need to.

I also lack empathy. I have few close friends, but don't care if I lost them or something bad happened to them. Same with my family.

I was abused by my parent. This person abused me mentally, physically and emotionally. They were very manipulative and talked rubbish of my other parent who I lived with (they were obviously divorced), this person was really narcissistic.

As a child I had happy moments but everything started to "fade" as I got older and now I can't remember almost anything good from ages 4 to 13. Because of the abuse, there's a high change I'm this way. I of course cut ties with this person when I turned 13, because I knew I didn't have to suffer anymore for something which isn't my fault.

I see two psychiatric nurses. They think I have mild depression, (social) anxiety and get panic attacks. They also said I might have PTSD. I feel like they have taken everything I have told them wrong and I have seen them for almost three years. When I was younger I lied about things to get to therapy, because I thought I wouldn't be taken seriously. I thought that they would think I lie and try to be this edgy teen. I told them I feel sad all the time, which is not true. The panic attacks part does apply to me tho, I get them but don't react to them. My body may start shaking, I start to sweat and I feel hot, but like I said, I can't seem to emotionally react to it so I'm confused at the moment when having one why I'm getting a panic attack. Also I kind of believe I have social anxiety, because I avoid social situations at all cost and have a panic attack (with no emotional response) when having an interaction with a stranger.

Thinking back it was really stupid to lie about important details, because now I can't tell talk freely to my psychiatric nurses. Lately I have tried being more truthful and hinted about this (telling them I feel neutral/nothing) but now they think my alleged "depression" has gotten better, even that I have gotten rid of it, and suggested they stop the meetings with me.

I think that's for the best, because I could start meeting a new psychologist/psychiatric nurse who I can start fresh with.

I have read and tried to research online about this "condition" and closest thing to it is alexithymia. I don't believe I have antisocial personality disorder because I'm not impulsive, but I guess I will find out if and when I get a new psychologist.

English is not my first language so I might have made some grammar mistakes.