does anyone on medicaid find themselves victims of the very thing that was meant to be the treatment from the beginning? of course i'm talking about the repeated hospitalizations, the bad counselors, the reality of the corrupt medical system.

you can objectively say it's a bad medical system because state insurance pays for name brand bogus drugs like protonix for GERD but not ketamine psychotherapy. not to mention the embarrassing hospitalization process that just feeds the hospital money and further deepens a sense of hopelessness.

i mean guys, they over emphasize medication and did it to my generation and they're doing it to the next generation even more. who decides how much ketamine treatment costs? it's ridiculous. i would have to spend my entire tuition to afford two rounds of treatment.

i recently discovered psychology and psychologists hold the true cure. you just need to be in the right head space and identify where in your past something happened that shaped your life for the worse. a therapist can help tell you if you need a lawyer or whatever it may be. i have been hurt by the state of idaho and it created an identity that 'i am the person that will fail because my reputation with the state and my name put to shame." i have no reason sometimes to work extra hard in college and sometimes i drop my pencil and just consider the possibility that even though i get the grades, i might not get the job because im labeled by the courts for something i didn't do.

somehow a therapist needs to help me get over this at an affordable rate. i cant give up my college tuition for a two sessions of two doses of ketamine. i dont think it'll be enough to process it all. why don't i just find ketamine on the street and take it before i go into therapy and save thousands? the risk is jail because i did not give the money to the rightful owner of the patent of the molecule that has existed for decades. nah, that's too dangerous. but seriously. this is american and this is messed up.

they always kept on telling me, for a decade now ever since i was a 16 year old child to keep on taking the ssri medication. not saying ssri's dont work just saying it's their fake foot in the door to pretend to keep coming out with new drugs. its bogus and nobody speaks up about it. why not?

so, how in the world do i get myself to focus enough when every minute equals a box of top ramen and i'm too depressed to even communicate effectively. please god i just need something to reduce my symptoms for a window of time to talk to someone so i can reduce my chances of morbidity.

i dont want to die, nobody does. i just don't have enough confidence that this instinct to keep going while i've been on empty for 35 miles and no gas station is in sight. uhg. the reality of life and the way the justice process steps on you creates a scar that seriously hurts especially when it happens when your a kid with your dreams taken away from you. i can't have the career i want. i don't want to live my existence receiving disability. what's my disability? being insulted by the state and ruined? i'll keep chugging away at this calculus and working on my degree trying to become a psychiatrist or perhaps even a lab tech for a drug company.

why can't i just enjoy living moment to moment. why am i on fire and my only escape literally has the possibility of eternal damnation. how am i suppose to know and take that risk. it scares the living tar out of me.