So I recently started to rethink my sexuality from when I was younger and some things felt off but I'm not sure if this is just normal child development or not. (note that Im ftm now but I gotta talk about my biology in this)

My sexual feelings started around when I was nine years old and tried masterbating in the shower (a massive failure mind you since younger me knew nothing about how vaginas worked and probably would have gotten the thing I was trying to shove into my vagina stuck since it had no base) it mainly just hurt due to how nervous I was. I just got disgusted by the thought of touching it and well putting something in there they I flaked. I'm pretty sure this was also around the time I started thinking about how guys had sex too since I used to ship two guys when I was that age.

I became even more sexual past that point and my first real exposure to porn was a rape yaoi (yaoi is pretty much drawn gay porn) when I was 11 and I often had fantasies about older people and large age gaps where the younger person was my age and the older person would be upwards of 20-30 years older and I had plenty of sexual thoughts about my friends at that point too (Although I didn't admit it to myself since they were my female friends) Past the first exposure I started to read stuff with topics like rape, sexual abuse and stuff like that. Heck a yaoi I liked had a weird rape/incest thing going on in it.

Im pretty sure this is where my ****ed up porn preferences come from since it spiraled into gore, rape, cannibalism and other obscure ****. I used to fantasize about gore heavily in my younger years and become quite obsessed with weird porn blogs.

Im not quite sure how normal any of this is since some of my youth sorta blends together and I have a hard time pinpointing exact years for anything. Also my mind feels extra hazy right now so my memory isnt helping all that much.