I got broken up with on Sunday.

I'm not handling it well. I keep getting told that I'm being really strong through all of this but I just end up crying behind closed doors. I can't spend time in groups larger than 9 people without feeling completely overwhelmed. I see her car and my chest gets so tight I think it's going to cave in. I know she keeps wearing the ring I got her for our one year anniversary, because she's too scared of losing me completely, but I'm shoving away everything that reminds me of her into a closet because I can't bear to look at it.

Technically speaking, this was my longest relationship. We were one year in April. Sure, I dated boys for a year or more at a time, but I was a kid who didn't realize she was a lesbian. The girls I've always dated have stayed for 1-3 months, and have always left for the same reasons; I'm too much, and the other person doesn't care as much as I do. I feel like someone who nobody can handle. Every time I show a little vulnerability, every time I heal enough from the last time or the last abuse, it always comes back to bite me. I keep getting told "It's not you", but why would everyone leave for the same reasons if it wasn't me. She was totally in love with me and happy until I had a panic attack that she witnessed, and within a month lost all feelings for me. I told her over and over again that I knew I was panicking for no reason, and that it was hurting that I couldn't stop it when I knew it was dumb, but she just didn't listen and took it all as being "her fault".

It's not like I never thought of this before. I've been going to therapy on and off for years now. I make everything an "I statement". I say that I'm panicking and what I think I need. I'm so direct about what triggers me and things that make me anxious. I always give warnings and let people know that I'm starting to panic to keep it from boiling over. I never expect anybody to be able to fix things, I know I have to do it myself. I make up codewords and all this other garbage. And in the end none of it matters. Because everyone just leaves. And they all cry and tell me how much this hurts them and how much they want to be my friend, but they just can't handle me and don't care enough.

I'm honestly at the point where I really don't know why I was born. I keep getting told that my personality is amazing, that I'm so caring and funny, and I don't get why everyone just ends up leaving in tears saying they don't want to hurt me. And it's not just girlfriends, it's been so many people. I mean, I grew up with a mother who is probably borderline, being emotionally manipulated and abused by my grandparents, getting into an abusive relationship at 14, getting bullied, being depressed and anxious... it's no wonder I'm like this. I feel like a monster. I must have done something wrong, right? Because why does everyone leave the same way if I'm not doing something wrong???

So I'm done. I don't want to wear my heart on my sleeve anymore. I don't want to be looked at like the dumbest person in the room because I'm willing to laugh at myself. I can't stand what's going to happen, which is having everyone stare at me with pity knowing that I'm still madly in love with my ex while I try and be her "best friend". I can't keep doing this. I just don't even know what to do.