I did not have good experiences with marriage/couples counselling.

My takeaway from the last experience is that if there are any abusive dynamics in your relationship—especially covert ones (think emotional abuse with lots of gaslighting) where one partner may have narcissistic and/or borderline traits—marriage counselling will be like abuse on steroids. Do not imagine that the counsellor will pick up on the abuse or handle it well. They likely will not.

Obviously many relationships do not have this problem. There are many people for whom marriage counseling is helpful. But when it’s not helpful, it’s sometimes not just that one partner is “checked out” but that they are frankly cruel and vindictive.