Been reading about unworthiness and coming to the conclusion that everyone is the same, equal, and just as worthy as each other. So then I deserve these things just as much as anyone else. Why do I think otherwise and why am I still letting some idiots from school stop me. Or is it something else now?

At some of these places the jobcentre sends me to, there's some awful people that give me a hard time. But they are idiots, they are not worth thinking about. They can say what they want, why would that stop me from buying something or even looking at something. What am I really scared of? It's not really "scared", it's something else. But I know that I'm worried about what others will think, and that they will be talking to me long after I've left the shop. And I know that's not true.

So this current obsession, I can't have one, that's a fact. But maybe I could look at them, could pretend I'm thinking of buying one (the people in the shop don't know that I can't and I don't have to tell them, can say "just looking"). But there aren't any shops that I can get to easily, none around here, I'd have to go right out of the way (and I really can't afford to get 2 different buses to these other places). And since I can't buy one anyway it feels pointless.

So there's not much I can do about this obsession then. That side obsession has "gone", I'd still like that object but I'm not obsessed. And actually, I went all over town looking for them and couldn't find anything, I did go into the shops that might have one. At first I felt a bit queasy but eventually I was feeling more disappointed and fed up. I've looked a few times since too, and nothing. It's like they don't exist anymore, even though I've had some before (2 different times and both were years ago).

I read a bit about "inferiority complex" which might be more what I am, rather than "victim mentality". But I still think it stems from school bullies, and that was over 20 years ago, maybe I could understand that for the first obsession, but I shouldn't be still affected by that now. So I'm thinking there's something else too. I just don't know what. I'll need to have a good think about it.