I had T today, on a Saturday which is always a little weird. I had to get lab work done today and I had book club so I ended up getting there 30 minutes early for my appointment. Since it was a Saturday, there was no one in the waiting room, so I sat down and read my Bible for the 30+ minutes I waited. I probably waited 10 minutes past my appointment start time, but my T is good about making up the time at the end so I don't lose out on time with her if she starts late, which is usual. When she opened the door to get me from the waiting room, she commented on my hair. I recently cut my hair to chin length from about five inches past my shoulders so it's fairly dramatic. She said she really liked the cut and that it looked really good on me.
She asked me how I am doing, which I know means, how many days has it been since you've self harmed. So I told her 43 which she was moderately happy about. I don't think she was unhappy but she wasn't all woo-hoo like she is sometimes. Its a decent amount of time without self harm but I was okay with her response because it's not past 50 days.
We talked about work a bit. I told her that the anxiety is coming down and I don't feel so guilty anymore over having a job when some of the other workers don't. Then we talked about the earthquakes. We had another earthquake last night that was a 7.1 (that's pretty big) but I'm not in the epicenter so I'm okay although I thought I was about to lose my TV last night because it was shaking so hard. But when I was a child and we lived in a mobile home, a big earthquake hit and everything broke and fell out of the cabinets and made a right mess. I was protected though because I was a child. So I was sent to live with my aunt for a week whilst my parents cleaned up and my aunt took me to Disneyland. But it still brings back memories of that time and how our house was destroyed (at least not red tagged though) and how much clean up there was. So we talked a bit about that and what it was like.
Then we talked about how I have been having suicidal feelings. They haven't been horrible but they've been sticky in my head. Trigger for self harm
I told her that I know it is bizarre. And that I was a little afraid of telling her because she might think it was bizarre. And she said to tell her anyway because she didn't think much was bizarre or something like that. She asked me what a battery represented and I said "life" that the battery would keep me going. So in a way the self harm thoughts are combating the suicidal thoughts.
We talked about my childhood. How I would go outside and play in this hole that was for another mobile home just there wasn't one it it. That it was safer being outside by myself than in the house with my Mom. But that I was missing out on the emotional comfort and support from my parents. We did what I think is EMDR or at least some sort of eye movement thing, and we talked about what it was that I felt before I went outside to play in the hole. And I said fear. We talked about how my Mom was when I was growing up. How it wasn't okay to feel negative things, but Mom could. That it wasn't okay to cry or yell, but Mom could. That Mom would wake us up really early in the morning so we could all clean the house. How Mom would yell all the time. Trigger for mention of physical abuse
Then T said she was starting to get it. That the self harm is a symptom, not of the depression which no one is denying that I have, but of unexpressed anger. So we tried to do some work on anger using the eye movement thing but I kept having the battery thoughts. T wants me to journal or draw. That she thinks I can get well and not have this crippling depression but that it has to be at my pace. And that she doesn't have a magic potion but that I have the answers inside of me. She said it's okay to be angry. It's okay to acknowledge how I feel. It's great that I have a good relationship with Mom now but that the little kid in me that was the little kid me still has anger that wasn't addressed, still has sadness that wasn't expressed and that little kid needs to be taken care of. It sounds a little ridiculous writing it out but at the time I felt like T was really getting me. Maybe for the first time ever.
I wanted to hug T but I was too afraid to ask. Too afraid of rejection. I have this ooey gooey love feeling towards T right now. Like I'm in a cocoon and it's just filled with love for T. I know that's weird. Maybe even odd. It feels odd. I'm not used to feeling this way towards this T. Former T absolutely but I haven't experienced this with this T before. I feel all snuggly and cared about and it's a bit scary really.
I told her I wouldn't self harm until the 31st of July (at least) mostly because I have a PCP appointment that day and I don't want to have any cuts. I don't want a lecture from the dr.
It was a really good session. I wish I could see T every day.
HUGS Kit