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thanks angelgirl, for taking the time to reply....
unfortunately last night i got drunk and literally threw the depakote out the window. my alter moods like to sabotoge me...
i am not on any AD's .. i stopped taking all that stuff a while ago, cuz i was hoping i would spontaneously get better just like sometimes i spontaneously get manic.

i have self medicated with other peoples prescriptions, and i have dr hopped to get various meds, in an attempt to self-treat this bipolar disorder in secret.
but these episodes are getting worse and worse...
psychosis now accompanies the mania, and the depression gets very suicidal...
i am just trying to wait this out, and i will be seeing a psychologist on thursday...
i flushed most of my various meds (there were a lot and none of them really helped)
so i plan to start this all from scratch on thursday...
hopefully thursday's mood will not disagree.

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ccl

Did you really "literally" throw the pills out the window? I really hope you didn't mean *literally*. That would concern me to as who would find those pills and take them and the effect it would have on them. Please, if you're not going to take them, don't dispose of them in a way that someone else could get a hold of them.

I'm glad that you're going to a psychologist. That's a very big and good step. I hope that you carry through with it, come Thursday. BUT in addition to that, you do need a pdoc. A psychologist can not rx you meds. Only a medical dr can do that. Maybe the T you go to can suggest somebody for you. I see you fighting this with all you've got and I certainly understand that. It makes you mad to be saddled with something that you know you will be dealing with for the rest of your life. I've been where you are sweetie. I know where you're coming from but sooner or later, you will have to accept it. If you choose not to, you will only make your life a living hell. Life is no picnic even with the right meds but at least it is more bearable. Why not decrease your torment significantly by accepting the fact that you're BP with psychotic episodes and do whatever you can to feel better than you are today? I'm sure you don't like the way you're feeling and you can do something about that but nobody can make you do it, you have to 'want' to do it. Making an appt with a T for Thursday is a wonderful and big step that you are making and I'm very proud of you for doing that. Kudos to you.

You say the meds are not working. I don't think you are giving them enough chance to work. Nothing is going to make this all go away instantaneously. Getting meds from friends, who should be taking them themselves, doctor hopping and keeping this all as secret as much as you can is only hurting you sweetie. You're making your life way harder than it needs to be.

I know suicidal, I've been there too, many, many times and I was always like that until I got to 1500mg of Depakote. That's what helped me but I realize that works for one doesn't necessarily work for the next person but I honestly believe that you are going to be fighting that demon until you get on the right meds that work for you.

I don't have alters that are sabatoging me but I do a mighty fine job of that all on my own but I don't do it with meds or T. I will never be med free, do I like that? NO!!! Absolutely NOT!!! I hate taking all these #$@@#$ meds but I do it because I have to because if I don't I won't live to talk about it the next day. They keep me alive.

I just wish that I or somebody else or something could get through to you and get you to understand that you need to start doing what's in your own best interest. Life doesn't have to be as hard for you as it is now, it really doesn't. Stop fighting getting yourself the help that you so desperately need. PLEASE!!! Do it for yourself, your family, for us but most of all YOU. You are worth far more than having to live with so much pain and torment every day like you're doing now.

I hope that you are receiving this with the love in which it is given.

Why don't you go and read the cat's poem "Spots". Read of his very real and terrifying suicide attempt and his desperation to live afterwards. That poem really got through to me. Maybe it will to you to. At least give it a try. How long does it take to read a poem. Isn't your life worth the 5 minutes it might take. I'll bet, if you've read this entire reply from me to you, you can read his poem faster.

Am I getting through to you at least a little? Give life a try, give YOUR life a try. YOU'RE WORTH IT!!!