well.. it may as well be big foot - a T in real life!!!!!!!!!!!!

my former T.. the guy who i was once crushed out on so bad. Romantic transference in a terribly painful way. i saw him infrequently for about 6 months.. he would have been bad for me in the long run

i have seen him twice in public before and he hurt me so badly. Both times he ignored me completely. We had had a discussion about whether i would want him to say hi and he knew how i felt. There is no rule or law or any such thing here that says he can't.

The first time he could have nodded or smiled but did nothing... the second time his eyes met mine and he looked away. i felt like throw away trash.

But i swore that if i ever saw him when i wasn't caught off guard he wasn't getting off with it... and TODAY WAS THE DAY

i went into a coffee shop to study and he was sitting in an armchair reading. i was going to slink away and i thought "hell no.. screw this" and so i went over and plopped myself down on the ottoman in front of him. He was surprised to say the least.

i said "is it like totally rude for me to say hello?" (ahem, as in YOU dork for NOT saying hello)
he kind of laughed and said no

so i told him i was doing fantastic and that H and i had split. i said it tok a while but i got there. i told him i just wanted him to know i was doing really well ( as in despite your mishandling of everything)

i smiled sweetly and he said he was very happy to hear it, he said to enjoy the beautiful sunny day and i said i had to work on my paper. Then i got my coffee and took up residence in the arm chair right across from him (ha! squirm baby!)

we both just worked away and when he left he said see you later and take care

HA!

i felt so proud of myself.

i realised some thing too... he's socially awkward. how odd for someone who probably does a lot of coaching sort of work.. i’m sure some of it was the context of how he knew me, and some was probably that he doesn’t remember me as well as i remember him (naturally)... but it brought back to mind the same thought i had once before when i was seeing him.. when he is in those four walls, an office setting i mean, he is very sure of himself i think... but outside he is unsteady.

i thought that back then.. when we would walk from the waiting area to and from the office he used, he seemed a little uncomfortable somehow. i think small talk is some kind of foreign thing to him. Thinking about that, seeing it in a new context, a different power dynamic.. well, it made me think that maybe part of why he hadn’t spoken to me before was just the fact that he sucks at that. The last time i know he saw me because i met his glance. i think maybe someone ought to remind him that the power dynamic lingers and he really should be the first to speak or smile or anything.

i’m not really mad at him anymore... i think he would have been a bad match for me overall.. but i know that i owe a lot to him, without him i don’t think i’d be alive – kind of hard to be mad in that light.

i am so proud

(and yes, i'd still sleep with him in a heart beat.... he still looks hot )