The question that I find that haunts me is how do you live with yourself, knowing you have a...thing...inside of you that you cannot control? For example, rage. Rage is tied to anger, which is tied to trauma. The trauma goes untreated, the rage becomes worse and worse until it becomes an entity on its own.

As someone who can clearly see their behavior is often self-serving and obnoxious, if not down right toxic, how do I kill off/cut out/cauterize/amputate that portion of my psyche I don't want and have no use for?

Moderators in the chat love to say, just get on medication! A pill will calm you down.

My response is that a pill is nothing but a placebo effect. It treats the symptomology, not the underlying cause. I cannot treat the underlying cause because one, I have no money, two, my insurance is hot garbage, three, I have pre-existing mental illness which means I pay even more for sessions, and four, I don't trust rando psychologists and have no use for psychiatry. I can feel this thing in my head, and I can feel everything falling apart around me, and I feel very much powerless to stop it as my life crumbles.