This silents is going to kill me. I need to get over it before I meet my new T. I can't H will see, then more meds and we know how that will go over with me. I already want to stop meds and sink, this is really, really uncomfortable and I've lost my words to explain it. Just typing this so far took over an hour. I may cut my hair. I'm not taking care of it.. I want to do other "not the smartest ideas" but they may lead to me actually being hospitalized. So those are out too. I'm generally in a self destructive mood today. Being alone today is not the best idea but I hate to bother H. If I actually talk about what I'm thinking I may risk an early pdoc or hospitalization. Which I'm vehemently against because that means more meds. . So I wont. I know if I hold on I will get through this. That the bad ideas will pass and I don't need to tell anyone to babysit me or worry. Plus then I actually have to talk and he might tattle to pdoc tomorrow when he sees her.