Hi guys a workmate recommended me to this forum

Lately i have a hard time understanding myself my emotions and how i speak or talk to poeple

Recently its hard for me to talk to poeple because i am afraid that i might come across as rude or say something mean without knowing. i was not this way back then

It started when my parents got mad at me for saying something disrespectful to them without me realizing it. it was a normal conversation we were having and for some reason i said something rude or disrespectful i said sorry and all was good but then it kept on repeating.
the same scenario over and over again it came to the point where me and my parents had an intense fight. them telling me they cant understand how i cant control how i speak or how they feel like i dont have respect for them anymore i told them that i dont even know what im saying is disrespectful to them and hurting them i have the utmost respect for them and i love both of them with all my heart.

I say things that are"disrespectful or rude" and i dont even know that i said it.. to me im just having a normal conversation apperantly i come across as very very arrogant even though to me im just having a happy conversation well at least thats what i think in my head.

Well after that fight i kind of closed myself completly
It made me not want to speak anymore since then i kept to myself rarely said anything as the fear of hurting them or anyone close to me to what i say i rarely talk to poeple now when theres a conversation my friends would sometimes worry and think there is something wrong as i would stay quiet i lost lots of friends recently and because of that i am having intense mixture of emotions

Sadness,anger to myself..anger that maybe my parents were at fault (i dont want to think this but sometimes it pops up in my head)..anger at myself for being a bad kid to my parents a bad person.and recently controlling my emotions is very hard to do

And honestly im at loss right now i dont know what to do with myself anymore
Sometimes i think to myself is it even worth to have friends? Do i even deserve friends? Maybe its better to just be alone and stick to myself i only came to this forum since my workmate asked me to give it a try she told me she is worried about me and i should ask here for some advice

Sorry for the long post any advice would be great thanks