(Please do not move this. I hope it can stay here? I am sharing a lot. I need support and I am most familiar with my friends here in this forum. It is also a cautionary tale, and encouragement, to people with disabilities if/when experiencing abuse and/or feeling powerless. Thank you! )


I am going to need a lot of help around the house, with errands and more.
H used to help out. (He is doing the opposite now.)

I have been disabled for 35 years now. I am often needing some kind of help with everyday tasks, even without the added stress. In those 35 years, I have never been entirely alone. (H, alone, has been with me for 27 years.) My various conditions have progressed.

I'd also had a service animal -- a gorgeous German Shepherd. She has passed on. She was such a nice dog. (My H used to rant and rave about how much he "hated" her, even when she was an adorable little pup. Who hates little puppies? She was soooo well-trained.) So strange -- his response to her.

I have been so stressed (by what H has been doing to me), I have been in severe pain and have been wiped out. I have needed extra medication, which means more side-effects, as well. Emotional abuse, mental cruelty, whatever one wants to call it, is very stressful., so very demoralizing. So many of these spouses try to intimidate and perform controlling and/or "punishing" actions..

In truth, he used to dole out a lot of mental cruelty. Ranting and raving, making me very, very afraid of him. He used to blame his bipolar illness; however, I have now learned that IF there is any witness, he will not conduct himself that way, at all. I had no say in anything and if I did differ with him, politely, he'd threaten divorce and/or make some other passive-aggressive move., which was very punishing and/or meant to be very intimidating, even verbally threatening to seriously harm (or worse) our highly trained dogs.

My elderly mom has been helping me with transportation since I have asked him to leave. I am currently on too many meds and will not drive if I feel I am impaired. She also does the grocery shopping, etc., etc. She is also wiped out due to the stress. She feels she is going to have a breakdown. Me, too.

Why did I stay married to him? Like any "abuser," they can be charming when not actively abusing. As I have mentioned, I have been disabled for many years. While I had disability income, it was not enough to survive. I had come to care about him. He is very likable and most people liked him very much. (little did they know.) He could be fun and compassionate, too. He'd showed his abusive side much more after we were married. I will admit there were some red flags prior to marriage, but I'd thought we could iron out the kinks. Silly me. And he had gone through an intensive program meant to rehab "abusers," due to his mental/emotional abuse tactics and his explosive and highly animated, very scary rants, etc. He seemed to be two separate people... each personality very different from the other. It was all very stressful and very confusing...overwhelming, in fact.

As a person with very real and multiple disabilities, I'd felt I was "over a barrel" much of the time. He played on this. I'd needed the help with errands and with household tasks. I'd needed the other benefits he'd provided (medical, dental, vision, etc.). I'd also cared about him, as strange as that might seem..We''d had a bond, despite the abuse. I'd also highly suspected he might make life a living hell if I'd ever filed for a divorce. (I was right about this.)

I did not think I would survive if I'd filed for a divorce...I'd thought he would get nasty, further intimidating and very unfair. I'd believed, as he had assured me, I would get nothing in the divorce settlement. I was too ill to fight it.

More recently, I had gotten fed up with all I have recently discovered and have been willing to take a chance on how everything would"shake out." I have learned that I am not left totally high and dry (financially), once the divorce is final. I am glad this is the case. I had decided I was better off, no matter what became of me after the divorce. Anything had to be better than being so emotionally abused, so controlled, so betrayed, over and over.

If you are disabled and in an abusive marriage, please take note. Please reach out to agencies and learn the truth about the law and your rights. (Each state has different laws governing "abuse," separation, divorce, alimony, child support, etc.) It is additionally helpful to gain some emotional support, as the process can be very trying.

So it is clear that I am now going to need help around the house and with many other tasks. This realization is somewhat humbling. However, overall, I am hoping things will be less stressful once things are settled and life returns to "normal."

I deeply appreciate the support given to me during this very difficult time. I cannot find the words to express my deepest gratitude.