I've been to therapists in the past and they have been no help. I prefer to use journalling to dig deep into a problem and get to the roots. That's how I eventually come up with some ideas, things I've never thought of before.

I agree, I read some articles and came to the conclusion that it didn't describe me. I do want to improve, that's why I'm doing all of this self improvement work. I don't want to stay stuck and get pity from others, that seems pointless and wouldn't help me at all. I am always looking for solutions to problems, and I know I can work this out on my own though, so I don't know why I keep complaining to other people. I know they can't/won't help me so why waste time? Maybe it's just the ego begging for attention, I think I need to just ignore that nonsense and do what I know works or what I feel will work.


I've been thinking about this a lot and it does seem to be shame based on my appearance. All of the way through middle school and high school I was bullied for being "ugly". I was pale and skinny, so they kept calling me a ghost. Some of them said I looked like a boy. So from that I was ashamed of my appearance. I could understand this at the time and a few years later but it should have gone now. I KNOW that my appearance is neutral like everyone else's, and is meaningless. I don't take notice of other people's appearance and I'm sure nobody cares about mine.

Something I realised yesterday though, at school all the other girls were obsessed with appearance and looking cool and trendy. I never cared. Now I know that bullies are just insecure about themselves. They were so obsessed with their own looks and worrying if they looked good enough, and panicking every time they got a spot. So they probably saw me without a care in the world about what I looked like, being happy just the way I was, and that made them angry.

They were probably thinking "look at her, who does she think she is not obsessing about her appearance" and maybe they were jealous, not that my appearance was perfect, it wasn't, but because I was happy and didn't care. And I assume they needed to make me care, by telling me how ugly I was to upset me, I assume that made them feel better about themselves. That's all I can think.

Also sometimes when I wanted things, even small things, my mum would say things like "who do you think you are, the queen of Sheba?". I don't know what that was about, and it might have affected me at the time but then when I started getting my own money I just bought things anyway, some things she disapproved of, but didn't really care. So I don't think this is really still affecting me, it's more the appearance thing, because I am still embarrassed about my looks in public. Or maybe it's a mixture of both of those things. I'm not sure. Appearance is definitely part of it, I've never been happy with it.

But what I really can't understand is how I can easily buy other things. I've always been able to go out and buy food, household things, clothes etc. The only things I have trouble with is the obsession objects, things I have one of these annoying ego-driven obsessions with. I know the ego is behind it because they come out of nowhere, and I've never been interested in these things before. The current obsession, I've seen plenty before and never wanted one, never took any notice of them in fact. I remember walking past some in a shop a few years ago and wasn't interested. The ego just chooses objects for it's addiction but what is it that makes me so nervous about it? This is the part I'm really stuck with.

And if it was really my appearance stopping me, because I'm so embarrassed about it then why can I go and buy other things no problem? What do I think will happen if I go to look at the obsession objects? That the people in the shop will kick me out because I'm "ugly"? How stupid, I've never been kicked out of a shop, for my looks or otherwise. And I know that they wouldn't do that. My appearance is meaningless, they just want money. There's probably plenty of other people that go into those shops that are considered unattractive. Nobody cares. It was a stupid self-obsessed teenager thing. Nobody has every cared about my looks since school. And why would they? It means nothing to them, I mean nothing to them, why would they care? What would they do?

I don't know if there's a bit of the "queen of Sheba" rubbish still in there. I don't think so, I think that was more because my mum didn't want to spend money on me. Now I can buy what I want. That first obsession, I couldn't even look at them, I never got far enough to buy one. I didn't feel like she was stopping me, I felt that others were looking at me and that they would think I didn't deserve to buy it (because of my looks).

I know all of this is a loads of rubbish but I still get nervous. I don't understand the nerves, there is absolutely nothing to be nervous about, the obsession objects are just the same as any other object that I can go look at and buy. It's just that there's something egoic behind them. Maybe I don't really want most of these things, but that last side obsession, I did want (and still do because it's something useful, but I'm not obsessed). The first time I went to look at them I felt sick before I got anywhere near that section. They didn't have them so I couldn't buy one, and I've never found any since then, I sometimes go and look in shops I think might have them, and now I don't feel nervous anymore. And this is because it's no longer an obsession.

I wish I could understand that part. And also why I still feel like this when I KNOW there's nothing to it. My appearance is neutral, meaningless and nobody cares. There is nothing to be nervous about, at all. But I still feel sick even thinking about it.