There is truly a part of me that enjoys the instant gratification of instant karma when I feel justified, and I don't like that part of myself, either, because it is destructive and evil. I hate that side of me. It is in every sense a wolf, and that is how I refer to It, whatever It is. I want it gone. I'm tired from the fighting in my head, and when I say tired, I mean, feel like I've aged rapidly as everything seems to fall apart around me. I'm losing my grasp on It, on the Pattern, on reality itself because if this is my reality, I reject it. I want nothing to do with it.

There is him, and there is myself, and the two are separated by a vast chasm of impossibility. I cannot help but compare it to Taoist ideas, such as the yin-yang, or the native American story of the two wolves that live inside of each of us. I've fed the black wolf so well and so long that it has taken on a life of its own.

I'm not sure there will ever be peace between myself and...It.