I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. There are so many articles, in Psych Central's archives, on the subject of gaining self-confidence, building self-esteem, & eliminating self-sabotaging behaviors it would be difficult to know where to begin... or (for me) where to stop. Here are links to a selection of 8 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that talk about how to improve your self-esteem, stop self-sabotaging, & gain self-confidence:

6 Tips to Improve Your Self-Esteem

7 Tips to Raise Your Self-Esteem and Keep It There

Self-Esteem Struggles and Strategies That Can Help

Breaking the Link Between Low Self-Esteem and Self-Sabotage

How To Stop Sabotaging Your Own Success | Happily Imperfect

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-tr...lf-confidence/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-tips...lf-confidence/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-step...yourself-more/

My best wishes to you...