T yesterday. First session back after his vacation. We'd had a sort of weird email exchange while he was away, where I asked him to confirm he still exists (coming from an attachment place, which I'd thought he'd realize). And he replied with "You're too funny!" and saying he hadn't been eaten by any bears. I'd said I wasn't trying to be funny, he said "Fair enough," I briefly explained why it was bothering me, and he said he'd misread my email and thought I was joking and "Sorry about that."

I was pretty nervous. Went back and sat down. Me: "Welcome back." T: "Thanks!" I mentioned the email exchange and said how I was feeling this mix of wanting to apologize to him for it and wanting to tell him I was angry at him about it. He asked why I felt I should apologize. Me: "I was contacting you on your vacation and I feel like...I mean, I should have been glad that you replied at all. And you did technically answer my question of whether you still exist. And...I was worried that I was bothering you by telling you that your response bothered me. But then, also, you'd specifically emailed me Monday to let me know you had WiFi and that you'd be replying to emails each morning. So, that suggests it was OK to email you." T: "Yes."

Me: "But I was worried...because that one part you sent was over text, because you said your email was being weird...when I responded to that over text, I was bracing myself, like 'Oh no, this is where you say you're angry at me for texting you, that I'm being intrusive.'" T: "Well, I started the texting, so it would have been pretty obtuse for me to criticize you for responding that way." Me: "Yes, but I was afraid to say more than I did over text, which is why I just emailed the other reply. I was afraid you'd be angry at me for disrupting you." T: "Have I ever reacted that way before?" Me: "Actually, yes." I described a time I'd requested a phone call over text and said why, and he'd called that intrusive, because I'd explained (texts are technically just for scheduling). And once with an email exchange involving a misunderstanding, where he said he'd need to tell me how his emails made him feel. He clarified that it would have been fine to have texted him more in this circumstance.

Me: "And I guess I'm also dreading how much you're going to bill me for the out-of-session contact. Because part of why I just asked for a one-sentence reply is that you said you wouldn't charge for that, and...well, that didn't turn out so well. Plus the email I sent last Friday which I thought was before you left." (He'd said he typically charges for emails longer than a sentence or two if he's away.) T: "I'm not charging you anything." Me: "Really? Thank you." T: "The main reason the exchange went on like that is because I misinterpreted your email. If I charged you, I'd need to charge myself, too." Me: "OK, thanks."

T: "And I want to make sure you realize I am genuinely sorry for misunderstanding. When I read your email, I just sensed a lighter tone." Me: "Thank you. Apology accepted. I guess I sort of expected you to realize that it was about struggling with attachment, partly because of what you said before you left. I'd typed this long email to you about how I was struggling, and it was like I expected you to psychically know that or something, which isn't fair. In retrospect, I should said something like, 'I'm really struggling with holding the connection' before asking if you still exist. But I thought maybe that would suggest I was looking for more than a sentence." He said it seemed I was trying to hold back, like I didn't want to be a burden. I agreed. I said maybe I should have just sent the full email.

I shared some excerpts, about how I was struggling, both with life and general and the connection. I was crying as I shared. T looked sad. And I talked about what had gone on during the week, like a major plumbing leak Monday that was really stressful, then it just felt like I didn't have time to breathe or relax all week. How I'd tried to start it off well by going to a painting class the first Sunday, then I feel like my self-care plan just fell apart after that, like no energy for yoga, etc. And how backup T "R" had been helpful, but I met with her in T's office, which was kind of difficult.

T said he was glad she'd helped. I said I felt like I should have managed better, having seen her. T: "But you saw her on Tuesday. So that's almost a week until today. It's a long time for you." Me: "True, that makes me feel a little better." T said how he thinks that regular therapy sessions are a part of my being able to manage life. I agreed. T said how maybe just anticipating not being able to come in until Monday might have caused more stress. And how maybe I should have asked R to meet a second time.

I said how with R I had talked about him a little, and he said that was OK. Me: "One of the things I talked about was how it seems like in the past...maybe 4-6 months? It just seems like you've been much more understanding and accepting of attachment and transference stuff. But I worry that's going to change. And R said how I'd likely grown in therapy and how maybe you've grown up, too!" T smiled.

I said how another thing R talked about was "flow," getting really immersed in something, so mindfulness, as T would say. How for her, cooking and Zumba class can have that effect. T (smiling): "So she self-discloses more than me then!" Me: "Apparently! She even mentioned her daughter's name." (I know T's son's name because it was mentioned in a column he wrote on a different topic, but he's never told me.)

Me: "I guess that's one of the things that worried me about the email thing last week. I know this is black and white thinking, but with you not seeming to understand the email was about attachment, my mind went to, 'Maybe he doesn't get it after all.' When I know it doesn't have to be one or the other, it's just where my mind went." T: "I'm glad you realize it was black and white thinking. And it helps to know where your mind goes." Me: "Yeah, so the stuff with the email, it kind of snowballed in my mind."

Me: "Another thing is...that Thursday night, I wasn't in a good place. I tried to connect with you by holding the stone, but it's like...I just felt nothing. I think part of it is how I figure you'd be uncomfortable knowing I'm holding it, because of what you'd said before...So, I wonder if I should just give the stone back, if it's not doing anything." T: "Do you want to trade it in for a different stone?" Me: "What?" T: "You can swap it for a different one if you like." Me: "Yeah, maybe this one has become uncharged or whatever since I've had it for a while. But wouldn't you feel uncomfortable with it?" T: "But I'm offering it to you." Me: "OK...I'll think about it and let you know next session." T: "OK."

I said I knew we had to stop in a minute, but wanted to mention one other thing his email reply seemed to dredge up, so we could discuss at a future session. That it felt like he was dismissing my fears, just like my parents did when I was a kid. T said that was an interesting connection. Me: "And I know you aren't as into the whole transference concept, but this is why I say that some of this has to be, say, paternal transference. Because my reaction to some of this stuff with you is much bigger than just you. Like, it's not just about you specifically." T: "I get it. Plus we were just recently talking about your father and how it feels you let him off the hook for some stuff." Me: "Yes, so that's likely why it's affecting me more now. So maybe we can discuss that next session."

I looked over at his fish and commented that she was reacting to me, which she hadn't been when I first sat down. T: "Yeah, she's been kind of moody since I've been back. Might not have liked the babysitting." Me: "Maybe she felt abandoned." T: "Maybe!"

Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for next week. Went over and paid. I said how the session had helped me feel better about things, and he said he was glad. T: "Oh, and I don't want to shake your hand because I'm getting over a cold, and the last thing I'd want to do is pass that to you. So, air handshake!" He shook is hand in the air. I laughed and did the same. T: "Have a good week." Me: "You too. Hope you feel better." T: "Thank you."

I felt much better about things after that session. Felt I'd reconnected with T and that things are good between us. Of course, he goes away again in a few weeks...