The other day I saw a couple of memes in a Facebook group that really hit home. The first one was a quote by Dr. Joe Dispenza that stated:
"Most people spend 70% of their life living in survival and living in stress, so they're always anticipating the worst case scenario based on a past experience"
This is totally me. I've had so many bad experiences in my life, I just don't know how to think positive anymore. The last couple of weeks, I have been absolutely miserable. I should be happy, but I'm not. I'm doing well in school. My job seems to be going okay. My finances aren't a wreck. I'm told I have lots of good qualities. But I wake up every morning thinking that I just want to get the day over with. When I go to work, I just want to go home.
One problem is that I keep living in the past and wanting to re-live or fix things. Or to see people just one more time. I miss all of my old friends who have moved on. Everyone seems to have families of their own, and I'm still alone. When I'm "wired" or "wound up", I keep thinking of things that angered me years ago that nobody would probably remember, and it makes me more angry or frustrated. I keep kicking myself for being in the food industry for so long and not making a change sooner. I want to move forward, but I can't. How do I do it? I'm too scared to take that risk. I look at how positive people I know are, and I just wonder why I can't be like that?
I can't remember the last time I was truly happy, or if I ever was. It seems I've forgotten how to be happy. My self esteem and self confidence are virtually non-existent. This brings me to the second meme. It talks about signs that you grew up lonely.
- Chasing people who don't want you.
- Making up lots of stories and worlds.
- Over talking when there's someone to talk to.
- Daydreaming.
- Clinging emotionally to others.
- Being the disposable friend in the group.
- Talking to oneself.
- Obsessive friendships.
- Excessive helpfulness.
I listed the ones I felt described me. I've kind of stopped chasing people. I used to send friend requests on Facebook, but I don't anymore. If they want to connect with me, they can find me. I do wish I had closer friendships with some people. I think about a couple of people in particular I wish I could hang out with. As I mentioned above, they're so positive and have a great outlook on life. I want some of that to rub off on to me. I guess that is obsessive behaviour, though I can rarely summon up the courage to message them.
Almost every evening, Sundays especially, I just sit at home and cry. I just feel so alone, but I don't even want to leave my room and hang out and talk to my roommates. I'm so sick of feeling miserable. I thought that with these changes and successes, I'd be happy. But I'm not. I'm just sick of not seeing any results.