Saw my T. By the end of the session he appeared more worried about me than I have ever seen. The session ran late and he ended it staring at his shoes obviously trying to work out what to do. I was supposed to see my pdoc later today but he called in sick. I see him Friday now. My T ended by saying he is notifying my pdoc of my ‘presentation’ and his concerns. I tried hard to seem normal enough but lost it at the end.

I’m in trouble.

I’m like spying on myself and it terrifies me. Warning signs everywhere. I’m trapped and terrified with no way out. PTSD out of control. I search for ways out but find none. If my pdoc hospitalises me Friday I will be trapped even more. The panic is immense. So much I can’t say.

I’m trying. I’m really trying but I have nothing left. Something out of my control is happening. I do want to live but I’m drowning. I don’t even know why I’m posting. I guess I have hardly anyone to talk to.