I have been seeing a therapist. I've been at my job since November 2018 and it's okay. I spent 18 years cooking and couldn't take it anymore. Had to take a year off and after months of trying, I found the car detailer job I'm presently at. I wish I could find a job that wasn't so physically demanding and closer to where I live. I just want a regular 9-5 office job (part of the reason why I'm back in school taking Accounting). It's so hard changing industries when you're pushing 40. I honestly believe (and some people confirmed this) that people in other industries don't hire cooks because they think we're either angry rage-aholics or high school drop-outs that only cook French fries and smoke weed.

As for volunteering, I just don't have time between studying and work. I helped out a moving organization, but I was turned off a bit by the dis-organization (drove an hour to volunteer for a golf tournament only to find out that they forgot to e-mail me to say that all positions were full). I also just have no energy.

My eventual goal is to start a catering business, leading to opening a bake shop. I'd try to start it now, but I'm scared s***less. I've taken risks before, but fell flat on my face each time. I'm just scared of failing and there's too much at stake.

I used to do weights when I got up and before I went to bed, but I stopped when I started working and going back to school. I've been eating healthier, but I still snack a lot, especially at work.

I need to completely change my way of thinking. When I walk into a situation, my automatic reaction is that I'm going to lose. It's happened so often that it's beaten me down completely and I have no confidence left. I have no idea how to change my thinking. I've tried, but I'm always skeptical and I don't trust anybody. I need to see proof before I try to believe in something. I just hate myself.