I feel like I live in a protective bubble and so distant from the world. But I’ve always craved a male presence and I’m a single child to a single mother - I’m nearing 30 and I’ve done ok.

But I have this yearning for a male presence abd it’s so obvious why. And I feel like people fall in my lap, I choose to see a pychologist that my friend referred me to. His youngish or youngish enough that the age gap might not be enough. As I’ve said before I’ve gone through the stages of being attached an infatuated to accepting his help and validation. He’s been the enemy and been the help I. Needed. He’s opened up a curiosity to study psychology which I have started.

I have a history of sexual abuse as a kid - abuse from my mother - I throw up my food - I obsess over everything - I’m so insecure about my appearance that I feel second rate

I feel as though I should not see a male psychologist to be honest. I feel like I have this distraction where I put all of my energy into so I can ensure none of it comes out but when all these powerful feelings do come out it’s a really big and shameful things that I can’t fix and I’m really at a loss. I’ve stopped seeing him for months at a time and this is partly the reason like I can’t let go but I can’t fix it.

I feel like it’s a toxic relationship- professional as it is