Quote:
Originally Posted by Nxious
I am puzzled of what makes people tick in everyday life. When I go out literally dragging myself to do what I have to do, like buying groceries, I see people energetic, awake with a strong desire to live, driving, working, talking loudly, laughing, enjoying life... etc. It seems to me, there is a seed of life in everyone that I am missing. Even the less fortunate people have energy to do things I have no energy to do. Even eating is so much effort for me, and often I eat only when I have a headache, i.e., I force myself to eat. What makes you tick? Where do you get your energy and mental strength from? From your friends, family, partner, children ... ? Do you force yourself to live, talk, ... etc, or it comes naturally and effortlessly to you? I am not talking about the lack of struggle in others lives, but their desire and energy to live.
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Have you always felt this way? Or do you think it is mostly because of depression and/or medication sedation?
My psychiatrist once told me I had a hyperthymic temperament as a baseline. I also have bipolar disorder type 1 (hyperthymic temperament shares characteristics with hypomania). Looking back, I was on the up side (even if mixed) much more than the down side. That doesn't mean I didn't have a few long depressive periods with anhedonia and low energy. I've written a lot about my low energy periods.
To answer your question, I have often had a "pursuit of pleasure" thing going on. IOW, the ability to find pleasure from small things in life, a lot of the time. That makes me tick. Whether or not that's a talent or a gift from hyperthymic temperament, I don't know. Again, I do experience grief, sadness, frustration, anger, defeat/disappointment, and other feelings, too, at times. One thing I have rarely ever felt was complete hopelessness. I know I will always bounce back. I have never truly been suicidal. During severe mixed episodes (even with psychosis) I have been a danger to myself, but mostly calls for help.
I have a healthy self-esteem, but in a good way.