Hi,

It’s been quite a while since I’ve been here, I’m not sure how I feel being back as I haven’t felt the want for forums in quite a while. But I am feeling very much like I have nowhere to go right now.

In October 2017 I was diagnosed with bowel cancer at 29, I went through 8 months of a nightmare I didn’t ever want to return-live. But unfortunately 2 weeks ago I had to have a total hysterectomy as my cancer had returned in my reproductive system, and grew back bigger and faster than last time.
I am so exhausted I can barely function anymore. I have no happiness left in me, and I’m constantly bitter and depressed, and I am finding that I have barely got any support around me. It is as though everyone is too busy with their lives to care about the fact I can’t live mine. Almost as though people have to schedule in a time to give a ****.

When I got the call the other day that it was definitely cancer and I’m now going to have to consider treatment again, I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to go through that again. Anyone who has had to go through that will understand why. I told a friend shortly after the phone call that I now have to decide if I want to go through treatment again. She basically told me it could be considered selfish if I didn’t as everyone around me will have to watch me die while I do nothing about it. Her friend recently died of cancer, and she was bringing up that her friend ‘wanted to live’ and ‘fought really hard’ and at least I ‘got one year of remission’. This has all really cut me deeply, as I supported her through the death of her friend while dealing with my own situation, and to basically be told that I’m a selfish person and imply that I have had it easy when I’ve been dealing with an enormous amount of trauma was worse than actually hearing I have cancer again. And yes I know it was said out of emotion, but it was such a horrible thing to say that we now haven’t spoken in 3 days.
In fact I’ve really barely heard from anyone. I’ve only had 2 friends come see me. Some people barely even message to see how I am. Because they’re all ‘too busy’. And I’m the selfish one? I’m tired of people’s excuses about how hard it is for them to deal with. How about how it’s making ME feel.

I’m watching everyone around me get great jobs and get engaged and travel, you know what I’m doing? Sitting at home with no income dying of cancer and wondering where my friends are. This is the exact reason I’m not sure if I want to go through treatment again, because I don’t know how much more feeling forgotten I can take. I’m so exhausted I can barely function. I don’t want to spend another 6 months being poisoned just to slightly increase my chances. It didn’t work last time. I would be at a great point in my life and succeeding so much, I’d literally be at the BEST point of my life, after spending 31 years working hard after being abused and living in poverty, and it’s all blowing up in my face while everyone else can have success.
I don’t feel much point in even being alive any more if it’s just going to keep being like this, I just don’t want to be dead.