Apologies for taking so long to reply, I guess I was mulling things over a little. Thank you to everyone who offered advice--it is very welcome.

DP, you are so right about living in the moment. I'm really starting to realize that happy people are those who stay in the moment and take things as they are. What is the point in worrying about something that is inevitable anyway? Maybe when it happens, it won't sting as much as the idea of it happening stings now. Maybe I'll be ready. I think the reason why I'm so scared of it happening is because I have always lost people when I least expected to, so I'm scared it'll happen again.

Coolibraian, I'm really trying to meditate more and to slow down. I think I got better at it since starting therapy, but I still have moments when it gets activated because I read too much into things and ruminate.

Mobius, I've been with this T for a year and 8 months. I think I'm partly anxious as he tends to see people on a much shorter basis....and yet I'm about to reach the two-year mark. I mentioned this to him before and he's been very reassuring, though he never explicitly said I could come for as long as I need to. Whenever I mention the fear of ending therapy, he always says that at some point it will end, like all relationships. He's never given me a time frame, and so I worry that he'll think I'm taking far too long and want to wrap things up pretty soon. I think in the past I posted about this, asking people how long they've been in therapy and I know that it greatly varies...but I guess I was looking for reassurance that unless they're moving or retiring, or unless they feel like they're not helping/doing more harm than good, therapists (in private practice where the patient pays out of their own pocket) don't just end therapy if the patient says they don't feel ready.

mcl6136, i have bad health anxiety and every time I get a clean bill of health, I tell myself "see, it was all in your head. next time you need to remember this and not worry so much". I can't seem to do it with abandonment anxiety though, because most times it's been as bad as I imagined it, sometimes even worse. it's like I'm able to smell it out before it even happens--i've always been intuitive when it came to it, usually with ex-boyfriends. Whenever i worry that it will happen, it usually does. T has been the only person who didn't fit the pattern (so far). I convinced myself a few times that he was going to move or end therapy with me, but he always proved me wrong. i feel like i'm hiding from some sort of horrible twist of fate that sooner or later will find me (probably when i don't expect it) and it will hurt more than any other abandonment i've ever endured.

I guess I'm at a point in life where things are still very stressful for me (outside of my control) and I feel like he's the only one who truly has my back. I don't have an issue with forming relationships with other people, and I have lots of friends who are supportive and understanding....but it's not the same. I'm scared of this primal attachment I seem to have for him and I don't see how therapy could end with me feeling ok about not having him in my life anymore. it really scares me, needing someone who I will have to give up at some point. changing therapists wouldn't help (not that I'm planning to or want to) because ultimately, I'd get attached to them too--it's just what I'm like sadly.

Sorry if this sounds really pathetic--the fear of it is just too real for me at the moment.