I know it's hard not to think about what your abuser might have been thinking or why they did what they did. But the thing is, there's no way to know for sure. I've tried to do it, and it's enough to make you go crazy. You can't read people's minds, and there's no reason to hurt yourself more by trying to find a motive.

There's something that you can understand in the aftermath, and that's yourself. You can know your own mind. Focus on your own healing, let yourself cope. You're going through a lot right now, let that be your focus.

That said, sending you plenty of hugs.