Second night IP. It is really tough. The urge to run in extraordinary so I been drugged heavily most of the time. I don't WANT to die but feel compelled too. Everyone here Is so helpful. They are doing all they can to keep me safe. Terror and fear hit so hard and fast at times I almost run away fro the hospital which would be futile as the nurses would call the police who would be difficult to avoid in time. So I have stayed in here after an almost run away yesterday.

On the plus they have a small gym and I can use it most days to work on my hip which is causing some despair as it has been stuffed for four months. Due to paranoid I haven't met any other patients yet but hopefully I can calm down soon and meed people. I feel so isolated. It is difficult seeing my Mum who is the only person wo visits daily and cares so much about me. Now I am graphically aware of her unconscious complicity in the abuse I suffered as a child it tears me apart to accept this, to accept her love, and to let the rage slide. It is so much more complicated but for now I would just say it is confusing having such a wonderful. caring mother who would do anything for me be the same person who let me down so bad.

SO. I still have a massive urge to run but have nowhere to go but death. I don't want to die but can see no other way out right now. For now I will let the staff sit on me, and medicate me, until things calm down. My Lithium and Ziprazisone(GEODON) have been increased. Not sure by exactly how much as I have not been paying attention. I have been on heaps of Seroquel and Haloperidol, and benzodiazepines also to calm me down. They help temporarily but don't tame the rage inside of me that is trying to destroy me.

Sorry for the long post. It is 12.30 am and I am very bored and lonely.