The fear of my therapist abandoning me is greater than fear. It's more like terror. Whenever I feel abandonment might be happening, I feel like my psyche is going to break into tiny shards and fall to the floor. I feel like my soul will be destroyed. The CBT therapist told me that it is a happening due to my thoughts. And it is not good to say loaded words like my soul will be destroyed. BUt that is my fear. And I have been through it before. It is not hyperbole, it is real.

I wanted to share something I noticed within me, and I am wondering if anyone else relates. My last therapist that I was attached to, asked me, "If I went out there and got in my car and got hit by a mack truck and died, what would you do?"

I don't know how anybody else feels about that. But if he died I would be sad and upset and scared but I wouldn't feel abandoned. I think this is really telling.

So, if my current therapist got in a car accident and died, I would be really upset but I would not feel abandoned.

So, this tells me that what abandonment means to me. It means that he finally has found out that I really am horrible. When he says he has other things to do, my mind immediately goes to,

"He thinks I am too attached and is trying to frustrate me so I will leave of my own accord".

Or he thinks I am hopeless. He finally has figured out how stupid I really am. He is sick of me being attached to him and is taking off because he thinks I am too attached. I do this a lot, like is he using behavioral technique ugh.

Or he reads my subconscious material that i am unaware of which terrifies me.
He told me that he learned I guess more about me because I was telling him what I was doing with my phone. But I don't know what he learned and that horrifies me. I am terrifed that at some point he is going to figure out that it is not okay to be me.

So, my thoughts, at this point, are feuling my fears. I am trying to not go there, but it is really difficult. It causes me major anxiety. I am learning, albeit slowly, how to deal with all of this. I have hope but I am still fearful.

I am making progress although it is slowly. I am like the others, anything he says does, I think he does, I think he thinks will send me reeling and texting. I just got out of the hospital thinking I was much better. But this has been going on for years. And I know I am trying and I really worked hard in group.

So I am being compassionate with myself instead of hating myself. Hating myself protects me from all of the shame I have. Compassion doesn't. So it is difficult. I think I get angry when I feel helpless. It is like anger makes me feel more powerful. Because it blocks those emotions I don't want. It protects me from feeling helpless and worthless. I am not saying it is warranted, but that is what it does for me.