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eskielover · Jul 13, 2019 at 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by naturalemotion5

I just want to reach out and see if anyone has experienced something like "unintentional" childhood neglect. Or if it can even exist as a concept.

Because when I was young it felt like my parents fulfilled basic parental duties but could not juggle the responsibilities that came with my early childhood mental illness. Like getting yelled at and blamed for not being organized enough, or crying too much, or not passing milestones like my peers. Then getting ignored/not getting proper parenting when they became "overwhelmed."

My parents both have mental illness themselves, so it makes me wonder if the burden of a difficult child made them turn away and as a side effect left a lot of problems/me feeling abandoned. If anyone else has experiences similar to this, I'd appreciate your take.

I definitely experienced unintentional neglect. In my case my parents provided food & clothing & a roof over my head. Back in my day growing up in the 50's & 60's they had no idea how dysfunctional they were or WHY. They did the best they could.....but I know my dad had developmental issues even though he married my mom at the age of 27 & she married him because he was the only guy who even bothered to pay attention to her. They both had so many issues & had no idea how to connect emotionally (never had friends they socialized with either).

They had no idea how to handle a child who was normal & didn't have problems but wanted to thrive in life but was very limited by their dysfunctions & their own limitations. I fought against it as much as possible just trying to be like others around me but some things just couldn't be & actually I was surprised when I finally was able to connect with normal people that what I thought was normal actually wasn't. That didn't happen until I was in my late 50's & both my parents had died (I was an only child) & I left my own dysfunctional marriage. I finally got an outstanding therapist & in my new town 2100 miles away from my past started learning what life really was like & developing all the parts of me that had been hidden inside for so long. It was finally time I could develop the whole me without having to constantly battle the dysfunction I had been surrounded by. The last 12 years have been the most peaceful & awesome years of my life finding out who I really am without being constantly surrounded by dysfunction.

When I first had a breakdown in 1994 & insurance forced me to start therapy (42 at the time) & I had several suicide attempts I remember my mom commenting (my dad had died 5 years before that & I had been married 20+ years) that they had not been abusive she just couldn't understand why I was having problems.....they had been good parents. They were the best they were capable of being....BUT only after 2010 I was finally able to put words to exactly what the problems had really been all those growing up years & all the years of my marriage that were just a continuation of my growing up years even though physically different in that we both had computer engineering careers. Everyone I lived around said I was the common denominator....but when they were all out of my life it proved to be otherwise.....& it was their same dysfunctions that created the lack of emotional connections. I always wondered if that was all there was to connecting with people....I learned later in life that it wasn't.

Some peoples dysfunctions & their own mental issues do cause unintentional neglect even when they are sure it isn't. I propagated it in my own daughters life but we have now worked through the difficulties between us & that is awesome to finally connect better with her even at this point in life.