Hello. I had always harbored a deep resentment of my parents my entire life or at least from the age of about 6 or 7 onward. I was never able to discuss anything to do with emotions. I was taught to feel embarrassed whenever I would have the urge to bring up such a topic. It was nothing that was ever explicitly said or anything. Its really hard to explain. I can just remember an ugly awkward feeling anytime I wanted to discuss something emotional with either of my parents. I cant tell you how it started or why. My Mom died about 7 years ago in 2012 from cancer and now my Dad has it and will probably be gone in another year or so.

When my Mom died I began to feel an intense amount of guilt for carrying around my feelings of contempt for them. I knew they did something wrong when I was growing up but they also took really good care of me. I always had a nice place to live, enjoyed having toys and whatnot so I wasn't neglected like the word would initially apply. Dont get me wrong. I love my parents and feel so so guilty that I should ever have the nerve to accuse them of neglecting me in any form. At the same time tho I know something wasnt right and it left me very socially screwed up and I also had a few physical attributes that would make me stand out as a kid. My teeth were terrible, I was short and also very skinny. So now you know what came next. Bullying to the upteenth degree that would make me suicidal in middle school.

We had our house for sale for 10 years from when I was 7 to 17. I always knew at any minute I would be forced to leave my friends and everything I knew to be thrown into a new place where all the bullying would start fresh all over again.

It seems like the nightmare really began when my parents pulled me out of the county school I had been in since 1st grade. I would start 6th grade at a private Catholic school now. Their excuse was that if we moved I would be better prepared to handle the schools in Florida as they had a poor opinion of the county schools in MS where we were at. I did not want to leave that school. All my friends were at this school and the subject of my physical attributes had never been an issue with those kids. They all knew me and liked me. I even had two girlfriends at the same time in 2nd grade....lol. That would be the only time that would ever happen as I remember having no self esteem issues then. I remember just being so free without all the image problems crushing me under all its weight. I would give everything I have ever had to just feel that way again.

Once out of county school and now at this private school, life became a living hell. I was immediately targeted by the bully and he made it his project to hurt me as much as possible that entire year I was there. You see, I made the mistake of talking to a girl he liked my second or third day there. He came up behind me and kicked me in the *** as hard as he possibly could. He was also at least a foot taller than me. Just alot bigger. The whole class errupted into laughter and the teacher blamed me and threw me out of class. I was chastised by the principal and sent back to class, totally shamed about as bad as I thought it could get. It would get much worse. Lets just say I was sent to the hospital on one occasion.

What burned me as a kid with my Dad was that one day I was being bullied when he came to pick me up from school. So he sees what is happening and comes out of the car yelling at them and yelling at me to what in the hell was I doing? Huh? WTF? Why is it my fault?

You see, they were trying to sell their house and this kind of stuff just stressed them out more and was pissing them off. They were always *****ing about this person and that person and about the house not selling and what not. I was making matters worse with all the problems at school so it became my fault.

I didn't mean to get so far into the details so I will stop. The ability to talk about emotional things was just not possible with my parents and I feel that left a giant gap in a feeling of being close with them. I was not close to my Dad. At all. If anything I was closer to my Mom but not close in a " I could talk to her about anything" kind of way. If I opened my mouth it was a chance I may receive a lesson on how I wasn't perfect and I shouldn't expect perfection in life. I shouldn't be that critical of others when I should be looking inward. I had no idea other than I was being blamed so I quit bringing it up. It just became a "taboo" subject in our house. I can remember being insanely jealous of others that talked about how they had a close family. My Dads relatives were horrible people and were written off in short order. I would find out later in life that he was horribly abused by his Mother and how all that filtered down into his relationship with me. My Mother was orphaned at age 15 so she had no family either except for the 2 folks that adopted her. I would have somewhat of a relationship with them for a few years. A financial problem would later arise and they would be "written off" also. I had no one other than my Mom and Dad. No one to offer different opinions on things. All I knew was what I got from them.

After feeling like my life would wind up a " complete " failure if I continued getting my advice from them so I sought out my friends parents for advice.
Anyone other than my parents. I can remember I would just roll my eyes any time my parents would try to advise me on something. I can remember feeling intense rage if I felt my Mom or Dad was right about something that I felt differently on and ultimately they wound up to be right for a change. They would take the opportunity to rub it in my face quite nicely as well.

Much more disfunctional than it would ever appear on the surface. I didnt mention that I was an only child as well did I? I know that didnt help at all. I was spoiled rotten and also waayy over protected. I would grow to resent a lot of decisions that were made for me out of my safety. I would never be allowed a car for high school. I was furnished a moped. All other friends had dirt bikes and cool things when I was a younger. I was furnished a sears 3hp go cart that couldnt get out of its own way. My teeth were terrible as I had mentioned and runied my confidence for years. I wouldn't see braces until we finally sold the house and moved. It would still be 3 long years of torment until I was 20. Finally I would have strait teeth but the damage was done. Even when they looked fine I couldnt take smiling in front of strangers. Being short and skinny didnt help either and I would fight for years eating weight gainer and trying to work out and build some mass but my height thing was unchangable. I could have dealt with that alone but with all the other added stuff it became too much.

One day I was with 2 of my "friends" and we happened upon these 2 chicks in the apartment complex parking lot we hung out in drinking beer and such. They started cracking on these girls and I made the mistake of joining in. They unleashed a barrage of insults that would tear me apart. They picked me apart and found every single thing wrong with me and made joke after joke and my two so called friends joined in on the party. I would leave after being completely 100% humiliated more than I had ever felt up to that point. After that I was never able to approach a girl I didnt know again. I just had so much anxiety when I would try. All I could see were those chicks insulting me and I would begin to panic that if I went and talked to this chick she would begin to berate me in what every public place we were in and I would be publically insulted all over again.

I know I have gone way off script and I apologize. This is the first time I have ever done anything besides think about all this stuff. I know it goes beyond CEN but it does go into some of the results of the neglect and how it will manifest later in life. I am debating on whether or not to post this but I think I really need to. WTF right....lol