T and I have over the yrs put together my first experiences.
From being in the womb of a violent alcoholic. To being in shock after birth and having that shock confounded by my adoptive mother.

How do we know this?

Because of how I presented. And little clues pieced together, ie, my adoptive mother would tell me how I never cried, would sleep through feeds.
She thought this was"good baby" - at this T nods her head in disbelief.

Adoptive mum would tell me of an old aunt of my adoptive fathers who would visit and say "don't the little mitr wake up for food"?
Adoptive mother would say with a sort of sense of pride "no, it's like not having a baby" There, that statement there points to my adoptive mothers mind she didnt hold me in mind. I was not there.

T said baby's in shock shut down. Adoptive mother had no ability to think about this.

I wonder at times, Who was she? Where is she? What was it like? Is she there?

Therapy is like a 'who done it'