Hiya,

I've got/had many many years clean off drugs and alcohol (over 16). Due to both a VERY toxic relationship and the death of a close friend I 'slipped'. My ex (been on and of for nearly 2 years VERY destructive) admitted to coming to a meeting (and my area) to bump into me. He knows I have SLAA issues and one thing led to another (so technically back together in our 'non' relationship). I went away and then got the phonecall about my friend's death (an ex of mine from over 20 yrs ago). I ended it with my recent ex just before I got back home. Upon arriving home I had an emotiona wobble and asked him to come 'babysit' me for the evening (no sex just needed a friend). He said no. It ended up with me getting drunk, scoring coke and turning up at his house at 4am in the morning (and refusing to leave whilst using in his house). He then called a mutual friend in recovery cos he felt 'vunerable in his sobriety' total bollocks since he often has friends round using in his house. Had it not been for the mutual friend arriving I MAY have been able to keep a cap on it, sleep it off and see it as a slip. However here's my quandry, If it a slip, I can open up to that in my local meetings own it and get on with it (and get my arse to SLAA which is clearly my main issue). If it's considered a relapse and I lose all those years clean (and pick up a white keyring) I WILL pyschologically use it to go out and have a PROPER relapse (extended or end up back on crack) to make losing all that clean time worth it. Opinions really needed (ESPECIALLY if possible from old timers and qualified councillors ) as well as others. Help!!!