Thanks RV. I haven't ever journaled. May not be a bad idea...lol. I did alot better when I was away from my parents. Now that my Mom is gone and my Dad has cancer, I am back living with him again. Long story but after losing my house and wife to an addiction problem with pharms from a work related injury I wound up back living with them when my Mom got sick. My Dad was so lonely I just stayed and now that he's sick I cant leave. I am helping out and wouldnt want to be anywhere else right now.

Inside tho, and it may sound shallow but I cant stand being here. All my insecurities have returned and we get along but we dont at the same time. I feel like a 10 year old kid all over again and I'm 49. Due to all my internal BS I was never able to secure a long term relationship of any substance and never had any kids. Now I am stuck here and have gotten more and more isolated as the years have gone on. I moved away from all of my friends when I came up here 90 miles away and now have just lost interest in keeping up with anyone. I have given up on finding another partner. I dont have the social skills to meet anyone in a pick-up environment. I can talk to customers and other people all day long at work but when it comes to going out or something on my own time I just hide at home and cant bring myself to do it. I wouldnt have the time anyways with helping with him so I have just given up. I'll just do my thing once his illness runs its course I guess.

Pretty sad huh. Ive never put it into words but that is how things are. Sounds very selfish I know but I have no life other than Dad. Nothing has changed as far as getting any kind of response when wanting to speak about how my Mom dying has been for me. Its all been about him losing his wife. It seems unimportant about her being my Mother and losing her. Its just a screwed up situation. I am finally ready to get some help because I cant stand things as they are anymore.