I've already talked about this before, the fact that I felt less emotions than I should and with less frequency. Now it's worse, and I'm an 80% of the day feeling numb, as if I had no emotions, empty inside.

I certainly desired this, to be devoid of emotions. Especially being devoid of emotions for anyone else, because I never felt emotions did any good. I'm right know in a phase of "nothing matters" and "I don't care about anything".

I "hated" everyone, I decided to do so because there was nothing else I could do. People disappointed me. Everytime I managed to feel happy, my family, a friend or something decided to make me feel numb or angry again, and I'm tired of it. I don't want to feel, but I also want to feel, and I don't know what's really best.

I've been having problems to express my emotions since I was a kid, it didn't only make me feel uncomfortable, but also I couldn't naturally express them. Then boredom started making me feel empty, and now I just feel empty the whole time. Emotions make me feel uncomfortable and expressing them makes me feel even more uncomfortable, and I find no logical reason to feel emotions, to be actually logical for me.

I have no filters, I don't care if I offend someone, I don't care if people feels bad or sad because of me. I ignore people most of the time, not because I choose, but because I find no "emotional connection" with them, and find them a distraction I don't want and need. I don't care about other people's problems and events, news or whatever. When I feel something, it only lasts a few seconds because I choose to stop feeling.

To fix this, because I know it's not going to help me not feeling (and neither would do feeling), I tried having conversations with other people, trying to feel connected or attached with them, but I start being obsessive or the feeling turns out to be nothing or a negative one, so I immediately lose interest, and end up numb again. I try having empathy and feeling guilty, but I can't, not even a little bit. I don't feel anything if something terrible or sad happens.

It's amazing how only in a year I've changed from feeling sadness, fear, stress, anxiety and other emotions, to later feel only anger, boredom and frustration, to now feel almost nothing. I keep seeking stimulation, but I get tired of everything fast, maybe because I abuse, maybe because I can't find anything interesting enough to "fill me". I don't know what to do, sometimes it looks like drugs are the only cure, and the fact that they're self-destructive doesn't look like a good idea.