Trigger Warning - I talk about depression and the "bad thoughts". Please do not read if you are triggered by such things.



It started a few months back one night suddenly. I heard some bad news and I felt a shot of anxiety slowly go through my body. I can literally feel it in my body - it starts in my chest and radiates from there outward until my whole body is shaking. It's like a shot of adrenaline after being in a car crash but it doesn't go away. It's similar to an anxiety attack.

Since then I have been somewhat agitated, but also very sad (I am a grown man and I have random crying spells which never happens). Until the past week or so, I had only been sleeping 3 to 4 hours. Basically I am sad, crying, but my body won't stay asleep. I have been exercising daily, so energy is not really an issue. I can feel good one minute and very sad the next. It is exhausting.

I have also begun obsessing over the past. My failures, my broken relationships, how much time I have wasted, etc. I have those "bad thoughts" (you know the harmful kind) that keep cropping up and I can't seem to keep them at bay for long. I can be out somewhere and I think of ways I can off myself. "What if I just walk out into traffic?" Or "What if I just drown myself in that lake over there?" I have no specific plan, but the thoughts are there and I can't control them. They are highly distressing.

Also I saw a person the other day that I never in a million years thought I'd see again. Seeing this person really really hurt and brought back memories of a relationship we had. Seeing this person doing so well and me doing so badly hurts. I always have had a feeling that I am an outcast, a loser, not good enough for anyone. I've had those feelings since I was a child. It usually ends up with me being super insecure in relationships and driving my partner mad. They leave and I go into a deep depression. So I became even more depressed after this encounter. I have been obsessing over how that relationship ended, how I screwed up, etc.

Anyway, I really want to give this one final shot. I want to defeat this, but I don't know how many chances I have left or how much more I can take. The shrinks seemingly agree I am BP1, so I wonder if this is a manic phase or a depressive phase? My negative thoughts and obsessions scream depression, but the energy I have doesn't.

I am seeing a new doctor soon and I want to run all this by him. I want a complete reevaluation of my meds. The problem is that it's hard to do in the 15 minute time slot they allot me.

I guess what I want from you all is to tell me it is possible to beat this because I am losing hope. I just don't know how much more I can take of these obsessions and negative thoughts.