I know I can’t keep relying on this group to get me to my weekly therapy sessions, but I’m having a tough time. My session is tomorrow and I’m stressed out about it. I want to go and I don’t want to go and the struggle between those two feelings is killing me. I see my therapist 2x/week but have only seen him 1x/week for the past month due to holidays, etc.

Part of the struggle for me this week is the anxiety around not knowing how I’ll feel after our session. So sometimes if I feel good or neutral I don’t want to rock the boat by showing up and leaving feeling worse or unsettled. The uncertainty sucks. Also, leaving with the feeling that I didn’t get anything from T sort of sucks because then I’m left with that empty feeling until our next session, not knowing if I’ll get anything from him then. I feel like I’m constantly waiting for scraps to fall from the table. That’s why I show up each week. But I don’t know what to do or say to increase my chances of feeling like I got something from T. Not being able to figure that out is frustrating and it almost feels easier and safer not to try.

I’m also having a hard time lately feeling like I’m the only one in the room. Like I’m a subject in a science experiment. I want to feel emotion (or anything) from T. I want to feel like he’s there with me. Otherwise it’s just lonely.

Again, I know it’s my job to get myself there tomorrow, but I’m feeling stuck, and if anyone wants to give me a nudge, I’d appreciate it.