Hello Nerowe: Since this is your first post, here on PC, welcome to Psych Central.
And thank you for sharing your concern here.
I'm sorry you are struggling with this.
(By the way, just for context, I thought I would mention I'm a 71 year old man.)
I have to tell you I think this is all just pretty normal guy stuff. And although my inclination is to add: "especially for someone your age" my experience tells me it doesn't necessarily change all that much as a guy gets older.
(The part about "playing doctor" is, in my opinion, kids' stuff... born of youthful curiosity.)
You're not going to
do anything about the thoughts you're having. You're just feeling embarrassed, guilty & somewhat ashamed that you're having the thoughts you're having.
But really, like I said, the thoughts you're having are pretty normal guy stuff in my experience. And, if you can look at it like that & perhaps even laugh it off as just being the way evolution has caused guys' brains to work, then it can perhaps be easier to simply let it go. The danger here, to the extent there is any, is in continuing to ruminate over this & allowing it to turn into some huge problem.
You mentioned the idea of talking to the therapist you'll be seeing about this along with your concerns regarding doing so. Talking about it with your T may help should you decide to do so. Sometimes having the opportunity to talk about stuff like this just helps to "clear the air" so to speak. You also mentioned wanting to find some way to fight & overcome the problem. I'm not a mental health professional. But my personal opinion is you can't fight & overcome something like this. In fact that's probably the easiest way I know of to make it grow. The way to deal with this sort of thing, from my perspective, is simply to accept it for what it is & allow the thoughts to arise-&-fade at their own pace. When the thoughts come you can breathe into them & smile to them. You can even place a hand over your heart as a sign of compassion for them. This is a practice that is referred to as compassionate abiding.
Here's a link to a description of the practice:
Relieve Distress By Allowing It: Compassionate Abiding 101 | Mindset: Perspective Is Everything
And then here are links to 7 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of help too:
How to Sit with Painful Emotions
A Technique for Feeling Painful Feelings
When You're Scared of Feeling Your Feelings
Shame, When You're Too Ashamed to Talk About It
https://psychcentral.com/blog/buildi...o-shame/?all=1
https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-ways...tuck-thoughts/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/bounc...s-of-analysis/
I hope you find PC to be of benefit.