Day six IP. Got leave to see my T today. He was incredibly helpful. Since Monday afternoon my anxiety and agitation have dropped significantly so I am safe now. After a long explanation as to how I am feeling and thinking my T agreed that discharge tomorrow or Friday is a good idea, especially when this hospital itself is a trigger for me due to my last admission. Hopefully my pdoc will see me late afternoon and will sign off on my discharge. It will be frustrating if he doesn't come but I will just have to be patient. Overall I feel more stable and hopeful. The agitation is still awful at times but manageable, and would be much more manageable at home.

I had thought that this last month of symptoms were solely PTSD (well maybe a tiny Bipolar but none worth worrying about). My T showed me that I had a fluid mix of both due to my symptoms and swift reaction to med changes. So it seems the stress of a severe PTSD episode set off a Bipolar episode, and they combined into one horror episode. It seems the PTSD is waning faster than the Bipolar. We agreed that talking directly about any of my trauma is not worth it. No major leap forwards will come from it and I would most likely get very ill again. So, no talking.

Instead I am going to a six week intensive deep meditation/yoga class to learn to calm my mind and body when triggered and reduce triggering. It should be helpful with the Bipolar too and other things. It is expensive but the instructor is a MD who spent 5 years in Tibet under instruction and has 25 years mediation experience. This makes me feel more comfortable as I am confident this man has skills that can help me. My plan now is to keep working on healing my hip and once the classes end mid-sep I should be mentally and physically ready to start trying to get my job back.

Also, as soon as this damn agitation leaves I am off Seroquel. In two weeks I have already put weight on and I hate it. It does work, and my agitation can get excruciating so my team have encouraged me to keep taking it for now. Agitation makes me more inpatient than usual so waiting to stop Seroquel is a tough one for me. But I will try.

I am so sorry I ramble on. My mind is on fast-forward and I am struggling to find an end point. So here it is.