I feel so out of it. I'm back to not sleeping at night.
Fiances dad may not make it.
I been thinking about my own dad. I'm scared when he has to go but then I think about all the stuff I have to deal with, with his other children and i want nothing to do with them. They've never been in my life or helped me with nothing. Never so much as really talked to me or gave me the time of day. And I have tried to reach out to them multiple times and either they dont answer their phone or dont text back or whatever. One of them, my half sister, changes her number really often and has a different facebook every month or so. I had like 6 of her profiles added, but I deleted them some time ago. Shes been and continues to be in and out of jail. I see her children smoking pot and drinking on snapchat everyday. My half brother has said some not so nice things about me. I think he was ready to beat me up when I got real sick 5 years ago. I had told him i didnt consider him my brother because i dont even know him.
Life is just getting bleaker for me. But its depressing because I know it could be worse but this is a low I havent experienced since I was sick. And it's a different kind of low.
This depression has me feeling numb.
And I'm not sure what to think about my relationship right now so it's hard to be there for fiance with his dad. I just am numb to him because the relationship hasn't been it's best since we moved in. Like it had its ups during this time but the lows really make me think about everything.
And I have this job interview coming up and I just am not ready and I almost dont even want it anymore. But then if I dont get it I think I may move back to my dads. Which now feels like an optimistic departure. But at the same time I know I would go downhill. I already know. I'd have to go back to my clinic where I've had problems, a lot of them, with the services, doctors, and therapists. I could get a job yea but the ease of commuting wouldnt be an ease. Id have to go very far. Maybe 30 min to an hour out to work everyday. And just overall, I'd be stuck in that house again and my dad would always be at work, or sleeping on his days off. We would never really do anything together because he would always be busy. So I'd be in my head and probably just let everything fall to the wayside like always.
It just really sucks right now.
And the worst part is, everyone I've reached out to just doesnt text or call me back. With the exception of my dad, SP, and findingreason. I've only reached out to people I trust and pretty much everyone is so darn busy in their own lives that its inconvenient I guess to lend support.
I had even reached out to fiances mom. I cried to her and opened up about my feelings and how to best help fiance through everything and try to better the relationship. Fiance said she said she didnt want to be in the middle of anything and then he said I shouldn't call her again. Which I felt betrayed because I opened up to her. Never said anything about my problems, only asked how could I help fiance. But whatever, it's her son. Idc.