welcome to the forum.

I hope you find a lot of support here

that is hard to here you were abused in foster care

I myself had a really abusive mother, and wished every day that she would just give me up and put me in to foster care (some of the stuff she did to me was unforgivable)

I often wondered if things would have been diffrent if I'd grown up with a diffrent family

but she " enjoyed" abusing me, often telling people that is why she was alive.