((((((Peter76))))))), I am sorry you are struggling so much right now. With what you have shared it would not surpise me if you are struggling with PTSD.

First of all what you have listed are all things you experienced and SURVIVED THROUGH. Being a surivivor can cause a person to feel confused as you have laid out. The person that needs SAVING in your life IS YOU. What you laid out in your post of things you survived through can mean even though you surivived you have still been hurt which is why you have these feelings that you have shared here with us. Just because someone surivives doesn't mean that person came out unscathed, instead the individual will now need help to psychologically recover from whatever he/she survived.

I struggle with PTSD myself and I have experienced the feelings you have described feeling. This means you DO need help and time to heal which often people who survived any trauma that created a sense of powerlessness and left that person questioning their sense of safety and how to heal from all these confusing feelings needs time to heal from. When it feels like the whole world is against you, that's a FEELING that is often left after surviving what could be several traumas or somehow failing to experience more favorable outcomes as one engages trying to learn and grow and make gains in their life. Healing includes gaining one's self respect, and for some it could even be learning to have a sense of self respect. Your ability to help others will actually come from your FIRST helping yourself and that requires developing and maintaining PATIENCE with self. Also accepting that you are not perfect, that everyone makes mistakes and you CAN learn and grow as a person even though you feel so lost right now.

What will help you right now is reaching out for help and given what you have shared, I suggest you look for a trauma therapist that can help you manage and reduce these troubling feelings you are experiencing right now. It would help if you had a diagnosis and to learn where your challenged areas are so you can work on managing them and healing so you can gain on having more control of your life instead of how you are feeling right now where you feel you have so little control.

Welcome to Psych Central, there are lots of caring supportive members here that understand how you feel that can validate you and be supportive. Give yourself a chance to do some learning and putting some effort into figuring out a place to start where you can get help and work on slowly healing and finding some direction in your life.