Justlittleoldme, I don't have children. I hope some members with kids will reply.
My first reaction was that kids are some times disrespectful. It sounds like you are doing the right thing in correcting their behavior and telling them what you expectations are.
Your wife's behavior towards your kids sounds emotionally abusive and immature. She might not love your kids, but she can act like an adult and treat them with respect.
Frankly, it sounds like your wife has already given up on your marriage - blames you and your kids for everything, won't go for counseling, etc.
Good luck to you and your kids.