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KingGeorge · Jul 17, 2019 at 07:03 PM

Hello,

I suffer from severe anxiety and panic attacks. I've suffered from anxiety for 2 years, but since a year ago I've been exploring religion, most notably Christianity as a way to cope. The bad news is that it actually makes me much more anxious and stressed, and nowadays all my anxiety comes from religious thoughts that I get. Firstly, I believe that God has the ability to guide me through my heart and thoughts. This made me panic on numerous occassions because then I feel as if God has the ability to dictate my life and control me, even though I know I have free will. I'm scared of going insane too, of mis-interpreting what my heart tells me as the voice of God and doing something stupid because of it. This already happened once when I had a manic attack and was sent to the hospital. When the ambulance arrived to my home I believed that God sent those paramedics and I thought that it meant I was Jesus. During the ride on the ambulance I was thinking how I was to die and be risen in 3 days, and how God would guide me and give me signs during this process. I was scared as hell, and I came to realize I was delusional only when I arrived at the hospital. So this already happened once. Secondly, I also believe that God protects me. But crazy thoughts come into my mind, telling me that if someone punches me, God will make me dodge the punch as to protect me. On some level I know this is not true, yet I feel compelled to believe it's true, and I ask myself "How do you know it's not true?" This makes me anxious and angry for having this thought. Thirdly, I believe God can grant me wisdom. But again, a crazy thought comes into my head. If a biologist is making an observation on a bacteria from his microscope, if he observes that the bacteria is green, then is that God granting him that "understanding" (to me, understanding and wisdom are the same). So you can tell that I also get anxious at this nonsensical thought, and I feel compelled to believe it's possible! These beliefs are causing me to be in a constant state of suffering, and I cannot dispel them. A voice in my heart tells me that I should believe in the Bible as God's Word, and it's hard to convince me otherwise. I don't know what to do! I've tried to even convince myself that God doesn't exist, to no avail! I want to believe in God no matter what, it's just how my brain is wired. But at the same time I am suffering so much. It really tears me apart... I don't know how to navigate these thoughts that torture me. I've tried accepting them, believing that "yes, it's possible", but no matter what it never feels right. What can I possible do?