R began the session today by sharing some quotes and resources she had found on anger. I was tempted to talk about the issue with my friend, but didn’t. One of the quotes she found that stood out to me was: ‘Anger is a motivating force.’ She explained that we can feel anger when we have been wronged in some way.
‘I sense some guilt around your anger, but your anger might motivate you to open up and discuss your experience more fully with me.’

We talked a bit about how R knows that I am not concerned with why they did it. ‘It is much more about your experience.’
‘I am reminded of the last person I worked with, who asked whether I had contacted them since to ask why. I said I hadn’t, and she responded “Why? Because you’re too angry?” And you know how long I spent trying to get her to understand what had happened.’
‘Yes. It’s not imperative that I have a full understanding, obviously I need to have some understanding…I’m thinking about the timeline days.’ We laughed.
‘I take comfort in the facts, because then I don’t have to feel the feelings.’
I began to talk about the difference between the way that information was communicated to me about Chris and about Kim.
‘In the week leading up to Chris’…’ I paused. ‘I need to say it, but I can’t.’

‘It’s almost like there’s a wall that you come up against.’
‘In the time leading up to Chris’ death, one of my big fears was that there would come a point where I would not hear anything again, and would have to infer.’
‘Due to the mode of communication?’

‘Yes. That wasn’t how it happened, but…Can you please move?’

‘Of course, I’ll just grab a cushion.’ R sat down and held my hands.

‘There is a world of difference between ‘Dear friends…’ and an announcement, and ‘We didn’t want to tell you this, but…’

‘That comes up for me every time. Stop there a minute. How do you feel right now?’
‘Physically, my shoulders feel tight, there’s a heaviness in my chest, and a strange feeling in my stomach.’
‘Do you want to take some deep breaths, just as we are right now, and see what happens to those feelings?’

We did so. R instructed me to try and let my shoulders drop with each exhale. I reported that the feeling had moved into my stomach.
‘I did not have to go through this. I did not deserve this.’
‘Is that anger?’

‘Yes. Each time something happened, bar the last time, she recovered. I did not get that chance.’
‘I’m going to use a term here that I don’t think I have used before. Emotional manipulation.’
‘Yes, I have been looking for that one.’
‘You were trapped in a situation for which you did not have the capacity.’
‘I thought about walking away on a monthly basis, but I always thought ‘Whatever you are feeling, what they’re going through is ten times worse.’ In my reading, I have come across trauma bonding, and that seems to make sense.’
‘Yes’
‘I felt like it was me in that bathroom. Like you said last week, that became the focal point. Even after she died, it wasn’t over.’ I felt R’s grip tighten. ‘I felt like I was bouncing from disaster to disaster.’

‘I am very visual as you know, and that gives me a really clear sense. One disaster is huge, so to go from one to the next…’
We talked about how we can’t know what it would have been like if I had walked away. There is a chance that I would still have experienced some difficult times.
‘Being me, I don’t think I could have walked away.’
‘Listen to that – being who you are.’
‘There was still an element of choice.’ We talked about intention, and I made the point that I cannot know others’ intentions. The bathroom scene remains the sticking point. I talked about facing it head on, but I don’t know what that means. It still has an emotional charge.
‘You seem to get so far, and then you stop yourself… “It didn’t happen!” Something happened to you, Lost. And that had an impact.’
I didn’t speak for a few seconds. ‘I can feel you processing that. I feel your anger, but I don’t feel like it was directed at me.’

R and I scheduled for next week, but will have a two week break thereafter.