I went, but boy was it hard getting myself there. I was physically present at the beginning of our 7:00 am session, but the rest of me didn’t show up til mid-session. Anyway, when I first got there he was looking out a hallway window (for me?) and had earbuds in. He turned around, saw me and said he needed just a minute. He went into his office while I sat in the waiting room. It was only about 60 seconds but during that time I was plotting my escape. If he had closed his office door or had taken any longer I seriously might have bolted.

Once I entered his office and sat down in my usual spot on the couch we ended up sitting in silence for close to 15 minutes. I just didn’t feel like talking but felt awkward because I also wasn’t trying to send the message that I was angry. I think I was emotionally drained from the effort of just getting myself there. Silences with T are not too uncomfortable, and he did try to start conversations twice, but I just nodded or shrugged. Eventually I forced myself to talk. We started to talk about my son and his mental health issues and I said that was what brought me to therapy. At one point I was going on about how I have tried so hard and have the best of intentions but my son doesn’t see that I’m trying to help him. In fact, he just sees me as controlling. Without skipping a beat, and with the slightest grin, T responded, “I know how that feels.” It took me a second to understand what he was trying to say, and then I said I’m different than my son. He talked about how I want my son to be engaged but that I also want that for myself. How I want to feel happy but engaged, sad but engaged, angry but engaged. I said something about what he said not being helpful and he replied, “It may not feel good, but I think it’s helpful.” He may actually be right. I’m still processing it all.