Hello KingGeorge: I'm sorry I don't think I have the answer you're looking for. From my perspective, I think what you are struggling with may require the attention of mental health professionals. Hopefully there may be other members, here on PC, who may have some suggestions they can offer. In the meantime though I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.