Hope -- I have BPD as well. It does not make you a monster. I was taught that it means that we experienced trauma in our childhood which delayed our emotional development. Do you ever feel like a child still living in an adult body? That's one way it feels. And because of the trauma caused by people, we no longer trust others. That's where the push/pull comes from which is what you're doing now. We also struggle with all or nothing feelings. We tend to think of people as all bad or all good, but not both at the same time. You've experienced this with all the males in a helping/caring role: pharmacist, Ts, Pdocs, etc.

I do believe you suffer from BPD. From all that you've told us, you meet the symptoms. Can you relate to the symptoms? Go through them and ask yourself if you experience any. You might not have all the symptoms. Or sometimes you might experience symptoms differently. Like for me, I don't have anger issues in the sense I take my anger out on others. I, on the other hand, take my anger out on myself.

The prognosis is good if you do the work. Emotionally you will grow and the symptoms will lessen. But it takes time and work.