lost my post... hope I didn’t put it in a random place or send it as an email to anyone...

My son is harassing me again today and I don’t know what time H gets home.
I seem to have lost that space I wanted to be in with T Monday. I sent him this email:

I’m frustrated. I have been able to hold that space I wanted to work with you from within on Monday all the way to today and now I am afraid I lost it. I’m discouraged. Before I knew what I wanted and needed Monday so that we could work together. Now I want to be back in the chairs, in the middle of the room not touching anything, back in my head, high above the experience and separated from you and that infant part of me and the possibility of the feelings. Up to today I had very little anxiety about asking you for what I needed Monday. Now there is a yucky ambivalence about it and I can feel myself checking out (more disconnected, closer to blacked out, than my normal dissociation). I’m also noticing that I am having trouble regulating my temperature, my feet are really cold. I don’t know what shifted but I’m feeling disappointed.

I hope he has some magical way of knowing where I was and how to get me back there... but then that might make me suspicious that getting me there the first time was planned rather than a happy accident. I like happy accident better.