Quote:
Originally Posted by Wild Coyote
Hi Fern! 
I'm happy to try to answer your questions. My current pdoc and I are trying to figure this out more. I have had pdocs I have never told about "blackouts" and they'd had no idea. Some of this can be quite problematic/inconvenient.
I do not know of where I go.
I refer to it as a "blackout," mostly because I do not recall anything in a given period of time.
I have had episodes of being outside of my body; I have had those types of episodes since was a young child. I used to float up to the ceiling and see everyone/everything from there. I have had other types of episodes when I feel outside of my body.
Do I have an alter personality? Not that I know of. These notes I write are quite strange. I really do not know what to make of them. I have no recall.
For instance, I might call the pharmacy to see if my meds are ready for pick-up? And then.... the pharmacist tells me I had already been there this afternoon, had picked up my meds and had a long chat with the pharmacist. It was all news to me! I had no idea!
Once this year, I'd called my pdoc on a Monday, frantically apologizing for having missed my appt with her on Friday. Trouble is... I WAS at my appt with her on Friday! I still know nothing about it. In that case, I had lost the whole day.
I sometimes lose a few consecutive days. This is increasingly prevalent these days. I have been missing 4-5 days a week.
I might be here, writing away and nothing gives it away...to myself or to anyone.
I am usually up and around, sometimes going "downtown" to have some fun or running errands, etc. Everything must be on "autopilot!" I do fine; yet, have no recall.
I use a lot of notes, trying to provide some glue to hold the pieces together.
I can be involved in major life decisions and can have no recall.
If I am "mildly" dissociated, I might have a small amount of recall when fed info by my pdoc or by someone.
There is a dissociation forum here. It's not very active. Some people show up every now and again. People like me!!! 
Please let me know if i can clarify anything. You may also PM me anytime.  |
Thank you so much for sharing. I am amazed at how calm you are given the fact you are losing entire days at a time. Assuming this happened in the past week or so, you always seemed your thoughtful and caring self while writing to others here. It must be strange to 'wake up' again and read what you've written.
My behavior was abhorrent during my blackouts. Pieces of it have returned to me, usually right after waking from a dream, and I cry every time I remember something new. I think it is a blessing you are behaving so well even though you cannot recall it. Whoever I turned into was a dark and scary confused person who is the opposite of everything I am. My autopilot felt evil and I have no idea how it happened. The parts when I was watching myself were very strange. I was thinking about my actions for the first time after they happened. It was like my body was a puppet and I wasn't the one controlling it. The actions were so foreign to me.
If your therapist notices you are dissociating, can she bring you out of that state while you're there with her? My husband tried to pull me out of the state I was in over and over but I was relentless. He finally had to call 911 and I was taken away to the hospital. I put him through utter Hell.
My mother was psychotic once and doesn't remember a lot of it. I stayed with her the night it was the worst and she kept shifting between personalities. One of her sides was quite dark and scary. The other was disoriented and afraid. It was chilling and heartbreaking to watch. I imagine my husband felt kinda like I did then.
Thanks again for your reply. It helps to have someone to talk to about what happened. My therapist is trying to help, but I respectfully told her the other day she could probably never truly understand what this feels like without experiencing it first hand. Maybe I'll start a thread about this soon.