Thank you so much for sharing. I am amazed at how calm you are given the fact you are losing entire days at a time. Assuming this happened in the past week or so, you always seemed your thoughtful and caring self while writing to others here. It must be strange to 'wake up' again and read what you've written.

My behavior was abhorrent during my blackouts. Pieces of it have returned to me, usually right after waking from a dream, and I cry every time I remember something new. I think it is a blessing you are behaving so well even though you cannot recall it. Whoever I turned into was a dark and scary confused person who is the opposite of everything I am. My autopilot felt evil and I have no idea how it happened. The parts when I was watching myself were very strange. I was thinking about my actions for the first time after they happened. It was like my body was a puppet and I wasn't the one controlling it. The actions were so foreign to me.

If your therapist notices you are dissociating, can she bring you out of that state while you're there with her? My husband tried to pull me out of the state I was in over and over but I was relentless. He finally had to call 911 and I was taken away to the hospital. I put him through utter Hell.

My mother was psychotic once and doesn't remember a lot of it. I stayed with her the night it was the worst and she kept shifting between personalities. One of her sides was quite dark and scary. The other was disoriented and afraid. It was chilling and heartbreaking to watch. I imagine my husband felt kinda like I did then.

Thanks again for your reply. It helps to have someone to talk to about what happened. My therapist is trying to help, but I respectfully told her the other day she could probably never truly understand what this feels like without experiencing it first hand. Maybe I'll start a thread about this soon.